subtle smiles

i've learned a lot about love this fall.
there's a girl i know who exudes this
"i don't need your love" persona.
but the truth is, we all want it
even if we want people to think we don't want it.
so the other day when i gave her a hug.
i saw her eyes smile.
it was super subtle but super clear.
she likes it, she likes to be loved.
and maybe she needed it - who knows.
i've seen God warm her disposition
like i never thought possible.
wow, it's really beautiful.

let's make a snow globe

let's make a snow globe
and put ourselves inside
it will be an autumn scene
it will be you and me
perhaps a couple pumpkins
and a tennis match where i win
we'll meander through the evening snow
and sip a cup of tea on the roof
we'll warm our hands by the fire
and maybe you'll kiss my cheek
whatever else may float inside
we'll bottle up this season for sure
maybe we'll put it on the mantle
and people will pass by and admire
with warm thoughts of a warm fall
we'll smile
as they shake it to see it snow

let the ravens come

so, yeah, a couple weeks ago at church, Pierced Chapel
we had this prayer labyrinth experience
it was super sweet.
there were about ten different rooms with ten different topics/themes.
it was really just incredible
because it's always incredible to be in God's presence.
in the room about "hurt" i realized i didn't have a lot to complain about
because God had healed me from pain and bitterness
in so many different ways.
in the room about "fears/worries" i realized that although the rock
i was holding in my hand was smooth and light weight,
my actual fears and worries were so heavy and inhibiting.
when i threw my rock into the water it was a huge metaphorical step of faith.
it's funny because in the same room, Jev, holding the rock in his hand
couldn't think about anything in his life to fear or worry about.
so he left the room with the rock still in his hand.
it's funny because technically i'm totally taken care of.
i really have nothing tangible and immediate to worry about.
where as, he actually might have something to worry about.
God has blessed him with perspective
which is so key.
then the other day i was reading in 1 kings
the author told how before Elijah actually started his ministry
he was just chilling in the desert
the ravens would bring meat and bread to him
and he drank from the spring.
meanwhile God was preparing a huge work for Elijah.
so, yeah, let the ravens come.

buenos aires.

wow, this place is definitely happening. the streets are so alive. there are people pushing things, people carrying things, pulling things, riding things, driving things, walking things, yelling things. there is so much energy in this place. i love it slash need a break. we saw one large political demonstration yesterday and several smaller protests, hmm.

abrazarme.

so, yeah, turns out i´m a huge fan of the "greet one another with a kiss" practice here in South America. but just yesterday after an intense worship time at this church retreat we were on the pastor said, now everyone go hug your neighbor or something like that en Español. wow, what a beautiful experience - for several minutes it was just - embracing, love, friends, strangers, no cultural boundaries, love is all you need. it was so real & moving - not just receiving the hugs, but even just watching the others. i think that´s how God intended the body of Christ to live.

sure we can all show up to church and sing together and pass the plate and take notes together - but do we really love one another? john says, "if anyone says, 'i love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen." So many people go to church, get inspired and want to go fight for something, want to make a difference, want to take a stand and "they" or "i" really want to change the world and often i get lost in the idea, in the theory of it all. i push it aside and say, "when i get older" or "when i get the chance." when really there are all these people all around me waiting for their worlds to be changed, longing to be inspired, to be loved. that´s how we change our world, we turn to the left or to the right and embrace the person beside us. the person that knows all of our faults. the person that doesn´t know us at all. we embrace our brothers because we know that deep down we´re all the same, we´re all afraid and well, perfect love drives out fear...

customers in love

we have these two customers at the coffee shop that are so in love. they've been coming in pretty regularly for the last couple of weeks. i don't know their names though we're pretty well aquainted. they said today was their luck day. on monday they were eating Chinese and both of their fortune cookies said that Wednesday would be their lucky day. so they assumed that meant they were going to win the lottery today. they said they'd definnitely share some of their winnings with me - i mean i didn't ask them for it or anything, but they're really in love and i like them a lot.

passerby

this morning, riding to work,
i passed a young guy in a blue fleece
he was walking along the sidewalk
and he seemed to be crying.
just now coming home from work
i passed him again
but on the other side of the street.
he was walking with his fleece
around his waist,
talking on his cell phone, smoking
and still crying.
man, sorry dude

i will not sing songs...

so, yeah, i just had an epiphane, namely i prefer to sing songs that focus on who God is, on how great or how beautiful he is. The song, hungry, was played at church a while back and i had to ask myself - am i hungry? am i really thirsting after God and his word? you know, sometimes i am, sometimes i'm not. so i'd rather not sing songs about me and how i feel from moment to moment - my feelings/desires come and go, but let me sing about God and his unchanging, ever-faithful love. let me sing about his sacrifice and forgiveness. let me sing about the cost of following him and how i'm prone to wander and prone to forget and how he is greater still.

a rose is a rose is a rose

nothing ever just is what it is, except sometimes.


oh yeah, and the bagel boy's name is eric.
he seems nice.

stille nacht

sitting there at the glass table,
i am silent
she is staring off
fidgeting as the dog continues to ignore her gestures
for a second she is vulnerable
for a second i am as clear as the kitchen table
the smell of cous-cous permeates the air
you could cut it with a knife
but please don't destroy it
let it be
let us be silent
let us be who we are
together

Buechner says we all suffer to some degree from deafness, or at least we are hard of hearing. We find it very hard to hear what other people are saying, either hard as in difficult or hard as in painful, or really both. he says we often use the words we speak to conceal rather than to reveal who we really are and what we really think.

from the Hungering Dark, which is brilliant by the way:

"The truth of it is that if you really listen to another person, whether on the surface he is talking about the weather or predicting the outcome of the World Series or even preaching a sermon, if you really listen, you begin to realize that what he is really talking about is himself. He is saying, "Love me" or maybe "Hate me" or "Pity me," but he is always saying one way or another, "Listen to me. Know me." Only most of the time people like you and me are deaf to this. We hear only the words. We hear only what is comfortable for us to hear. But once in a while, by the grace of God more often that not, we hear scraps at least of what people are actually saying."

the bagel boy

there's this sad little saying i've picked up on in the work-culture. it goes something like, "time sure couldn't go by fast enough for me today." there are lots of people involved in the behind-the-scenes coffee shop business. people i never would have expected to run into, for example, there's the lady that comes by to make sure we get our Gazettes every day, then there's the USA Today man, and the bagel boy, of course the milkman and the repairman, but the most interesting to me is the towel-man. he comes by once a week to take our dirty towels and give us new clean ones and sometimes he takes the rugs as well. the other day as i was washing dishes the towel man was there doing his thing so i tried to make conversation. and all he really had to say about his day was, "well, it's been pretty good, the time's gone by fast, haven't really noticed it passing." man, and i hear that so often from coworkers. but i don't understand what you do when the day is done and well, the time has just passed and now it's gone. and then what? to what end should time be going by? what have we accomplished, when at the end of the day all we can say is, "it is no more."

may i not gaze at my watch today
may i not let life go unnoticed
may i not continue on unaware
open my eyes
brush my fingertips
whisper in my ears
help me to keep myself awake
so i might suck the marrow out of life

i usually hate the kissing camels

there's this huge spotlight that shines on the kissing camels at night. usually i think it's really tacky and a huge waste of energy, but the other night as i was riding home from work under the stars, i was glad to have them there because they're really familiar to me and then i didn't feel so alone in the dark. i like to think the lovers were looking out for the lone traveler that night.

irises

i was just remembering how i always used to ask this artist friend of mine to paint me a nice flower arangement or something. And he would always say, "you can't do that, you can't just say that to an artist." We would argue about the ethics of it all. i couldn't understand why he wouldn't just paint something "pretty." It's funny now because i can't imagine thinking like that.

We have this art exhibit now at the coffee shop where i work, and i was flipping through the large, neo-over-impressionistic canvases when i ran across a reproduction of Van Gogh's Irises. i'm not gonna lie i actually found the piece pleasing, but then i had to think - this was not an original idea. What was this guy thinking when he painted this? Was he really overwhelmed by all the pressures of the business side of things? did he give in to the mediocre suggestions of a friend? had he hit a wall? was he coming from an inspiration-less relationship? did he feel guilty while he was painting this piece? was he ashamed? or did he even think twice about it? maybe he does classic reproductions a lot. maybe he's even forgotten that he has his own style. maybe he's even forgotten how to sign his own name...

the first poem i ever remember writing was called Iris. i was in the second grade. it went something like this.

purlple Iris in the light
purlple Iris shining bright
bright, shiny Iris
the end.

i know why the caged bird sings

my roomate's been carrying this book around in her purse for about four years now wanting to read it...
but you know, it's never too late to start, right?

captive to a notion i never got to touch, i sit at heaven's door
with heroes who have died for such and given even more
how can i bemoan this cage about my heart,
when i myself in here did fling?
the view is nice between the bars
it stirs my soul to sing.


and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
that the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
~ G. J.

unsayable

rilke says,
"things aren't all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsayable than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures beside our own small, transitory life."

we say,
laugh and lean over the balcony. laugh and lounge in the chair. don't speak words. don't stop laughing. don't stop being friends. this moment is untangible. we held it in our hands.

ian, camille, al and i were just infinite for a minute. we were all laughing, all uncontrollably. and i don't know why but i can't see why not. it was a work of art for sure.

flying red stars

we were infinite for a moment
lying on a car
singing about forever
under a flying red star

id

what is mine?
who am i?
apart from you
i'm washed up, dry

apart from you
i cannot be
you wrap me
in identity.

to worship is

to quicken the conscience by the holiness of God
to feed the mind with the truth of God
to purge the imagination by the beauty of God
to open the heart to the love of God
to devote the will to the purpose of God

-William Temple

overwhelmed

wow, i am overwhelmed by love
sometimes i feel
like my heart is so full
then it keeps growing and growing
pressing out from the inside
and i think it might explode
but it never does.
there are moments
when everything is so beautiful it hurts,
my friend calls it incendiary,
i call it excruciating

i spent the past 4 days in Austin
with some of my favorite people ever
it was incredible
highlights:
sleeping in the same room with afore mentioned friends, comforting
trying to share a bed with Nikki, my foot-phobic-friend, frustrating
going for late night walks in the neighborhood, refreshing
hearing Lic play some Sandra on the guitar, healing
singing and swinging in the moonlight, liberating
dining with the extended family, interesting
crying in the room to un-named chic flic, priceless
laughing and chilling at local pool, brilliant
good conversation during graduation speeches, informative
sitting in the floor of the bookstore with friends, meaningful
watching friends try to climb onto roof, hilarious
man, my cup just runneth over.


there's compassion that holds no words,
it holds no words
i see it as you go. - denison

bittersweet pretty much means bitter

voyager

the horizon ceases to be a horizon
when you get there.
c.s. lewis