it's funny i keep hearing from people in America, "molly, i love what you're doing. i want to help people too." and i think, man, if they only knew how little i am doing and how little i know about what i'm doing here. I can only do what i see other people like Brook, Maggie, Kara and Silas do. i can only do what deep down i think Jesus would do. and let me tell you - i'm even hesitant at that. i really didn't come here "to help people" - i came here to see more of God, to meet Jesus in the midst of this desperate world.
i am such a baby when it comes to the streets and knowing how to interact with the drug addicts and beggars. i see these guys' abscesses and wounds from drug use and i freeze. i don't know what to do. but what i do know is that thousands of people walk by these guys every day, thousands of locals and even hundreds of tourists through the week and well, these guys who are addicted to drugs, the names on their lips are Maggie, Brook, Kara, Silas. they approach me with such joy and such humility. I see that one guy is wearing Maggie's pants and the other guy is wearing a sweater that Kara gave him. these guys approach me and these are the names on their lips, they know i am friends with these people and i say "yeah, i'm their friend. how's it going?" and they tell me about their recent ailments and their friends' conditions and maybe i sit with them and maybe we eat rice but maybe we don't and they tell me how they're meeting up with Brook later and she's going to take care of their wounds and she might take them to the hospital and sit with them. and yeah, hopefully while i am here God will soften my heart and i will not be sicked out by the abscesses and i will be willing to take time out and to sit with them and to love them.
our community here is about to start another wave of meetings with these guys. many of them are ready. they are desperate and they want to believe in Jesus more than they believe in drugs. they want to come live at "the mercy house" - which right now houses about 15 guys full of life and love that a year ago were living on the streets themselves. a year ago they could not dream about life beyond their next fix and had never tasted of the freedom that Jesus had to offer them. it's amazing the transformation i see here. i get to hang out with the guys at the mercy house every once in a while and i am always so encouraged by the joy and the redemption covering their lives. ben and i might get to meet with them more regularly - i would offer them guitar/music and ben can teach them about computers - pretty sweet.
but right, i really feel that my life here is less about me "helping people" and more about them blessing me and maybe i do get to pass on some things that have been given to me every once in a while. i think back to my first week with my family here and the only small, tangible gift i brought with me from america - a little decorative cross for the wall and a little book about gratitude in a little, yellow bag. i feel like that exchange was kind of forshadowing of my experience here because really the gift didn't even come from me! my super generous, kind-hearted friend, Nikki, in LA gave me this gift to give to my family because i'm that much of a slacker. i remember Nikki was like, "i even have this cute little yellow bag we could put it in" and i thought that was unnecessary, but we did it anyways and well, now that little yellow bag is hanging on the wall next to the cross. it was just as important to the family. i never would have thought it could be that special to anyone.
yeah, Nouwen points out that Jesus says "blessed are the poor" not "blessed are those who care for the poor." so, yes wanting to help is such a noble desire, full of grace, so beautiful. but i have had to realize that God's blessing to me is coming from the very ones i want to help and that i want to serve. Nouwen says, this is so key i think, "Ministry is first of all, receiving God's blessing from those to whom we minister." yeah, so i am so overwhelmed with goodness and gratefulness to God and to the ones that i came here "to help."
~currently reading: Here and Now by Henri Nouwen - definitely changing my life.
5 comments:
right on. i feel ya girl.
and yeah, nouwen rocked me too.
wow.
to help is to be helped. i think i need to learn this. simple it sounds, but difficult in the economy of sufficiency.
scuba steve, eh? good to hear from you, neighbor. you won't believe this -- i'm actually going on a short excursion to Tibet in a couple weeks. need i mention that i'm freaking excited. i hope you're enjoying whichever part of the country you're in. don't let the parasites get you down.
mish, love, i'm glad you understood what i was trying to say - it was pretty jumbled - you summed it up so nicely. i love hearing about your life - i want to be like you when i grow up.
aw mols, i want to be like you when i grow up. god uses your life to encourage me and we are so far geographically...but spiritually so close. that's what i love about our friendship.
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